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'Tiger Mothers' leave lifelong scars - CNN.com

another fab rebuttal to the tiger mother article.

Good Dad, Good Coping Skills Later (Psych Central)

psychotherapy:

Men who have fond childhood memories of their dads have better coping skills when dealing with stress as an adult, according to new research.

A good relationship with Mom helps reduces psychological distress, too, but the relationship with Dad seems key in a man’s ability to cope with everyday hassles such as traffic and financial pressure, says Melanie Mallers, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at California State University, Fullerton, who presented her findings at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association in San Diego.

”Men who experienced a good relationship with their fathers are doing better at coping with stress,” she says.

She’s talking about ”daily stressors that are the things literally make or break the ebb and flow of our lives,” such as coping with traffic or a boss who piles on too much work.

For the study, she interviewed 912 adult men and women, ages 25 to 74. Survey respondents described their daily experiences over an eight-day period, telling whether they were nervous, sad or depressed. They reported each day if they had a stressful event, such as an argument, tension related to work or family or a disagreement with anyone.

The survey takers also told Mallers’ team about their childhood and the quality of their relationship with their mother and father while growing up. Mallers adjusted for factors that might influence the results, such as age, income and whether parents were alive or deceased.

Those who had a good relationship with their mothers said they had 3 percent less psychological distress in their lives now, compared to those who reported a poor relationship with their moms.

Having a good childhood relationship with their fathers was linked with better coping skills for men, but was not as strong for women. Men who had a good father-son relationship were more likely to remain stable emotionally when stress hit.

What’s happening? “We think it has to do with the way fathers play with their sons,” Mallers speculates.

She’s talking about the tendency for dads to get down on the floor and roughhouse with their young sons. “It’s good, healthy competitive rough-and-tumble play, which teaches them to be active, think outside the box, take more challenges, and adapt to things not necessarily familiar.”

Mothers, she says, tend to give their children a sense of security and safety.  ”We make sure they get to bed on time,” she says.

But dads, she says, may be especially skilled at teaching children how to deal with challenges.

The study, Mallers says confirms that dads ”play a long-lasting role in the emotional lives of their children, especially their sons.”

The new research follows an emerging trend of giving dads some research attention, says Toni Antonucci, PhD, of the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, who is familiar with the research but not involved in it. “I think we’re beginning to understand more and more that fathers have a critical role,” she says. “This [new study]  shouldn’t be seen as fathers are important and mother aren’t.”

What can men do who didn’t have a good relationship with their father while growing up do now to improve coping skills?

Simply having awareness that the poorer relationship could affect the way they cope with stress can help, Mallers says.

Antonucci suggests they might consider joining men’s groups on coping with stress, reading books that address the issues, or reaching out to meet the needs of their own children in teaching them to cope with stress.

In single-parent families in which the father is absent, Mallers suggests finding a male role model to help kids learn stress management.

BBC News - Motherly love 'does breed confidence'

The Case for Having More Kids

While parents today make massive personal and financial sacrifices, children barely reciprocate. When they’re young, kids monopolize the remote and complain about the food, but do little to help around the house; when you’re old, kids forget to return your calls and ignore your advice, but take it for granted that you’ll continue to pay your own bills.

Percentage of U.S. women aged 40 to 44 who are childless: 20.4%

Parents try to instill healthy habits that last a lifetime. But the two best behavioral genetic studies of life expectancy—one of 6,000 Danish twins born between 1870 and 1900, the other of 9,000 Swedish twins born between 1886 and 1925—found zero effect of upbringing. Twin studies of height, weight and even teeth reach similar conclusions. This doesn’t mean that diet, exercise and tooth-brushing don’t matter—just that parental pressure to eat right, exercise and brush your teeth after meals fails to win children’s hearts and minds.

Parents also strive to turn their children into smart and happy adults, but behavioral geneticists find little or no evidence that their effort pays off. In research including hundreds of twins who were raised apart, identical twins turn out to be much more alike in intelligence and happiness than fraternal twins, but twins raised together are barely more alike than twins raised apart. In fact, pioneering research by University of Minnesota psychologist David Lykken found that twins raised apart were more alike in happiness than twins raised together. Maybe it’s just a fluke, but it suggests that growing up together inspires people to differentiate themselves; if he’s the happy one, I’ll be the malcontent.

Parents use many tactics to influence their kids’ schooling and future income. Some we admire: reading to kids, helping them with homework, praising hard work. Others we resent: fancy tutors, legacy admissions, nepotism. According to the research, however, these tactics barely work. Dartmouth economist Bruce Sacerdote studied about 1,200 families that adopted disadvantaged Korean children. The families spanned a broad range; they only needed incomes 25% above the poverty level to be eligible to adopt. Nevertheless, family income and neighborhood income had zero effect on adoptees’ ultimate success in school and work.

Behavioral geneticists also find that the effect of upbringing on morals is quite superficial. Parents have a strong effect on which religion and political party their kids identify with, but little on their adult behavior or outlook. Some, but not all, twin and adoption studies find that parents have a modest effect on tobacco, alcohol and drug use, juvenile delinquency, and when daughters (but not sons) start having sex. The most meaningful fruit of parenting, however, is simply appreciation—the way your children perceive and remember you. When 1,400 older Swedish twins were asked to describe their parents, identical twins’ answers were only slightly more similar than fraternal twins’, and twins raised together gave much more similar answers than twins raised apart. If you create a loving and harmonious home for your children, they’ll probably remember it for as long as they live.

Many find behavioral genetics depressing, but it’s great news for parents and potential parents. If you think that your kids’ future rests in your hands, you’ll probably make many painful “investments”—and feel guilty that you didn’t do more. Once you realize that your kids’ future largely rests in their own hands, you can give yourself a guilt-free break.

If you enjoy reading with your children, wonderful. But if you skip the nightly book, you’re not stunting their intelligence, ruining their chances for college or dooming them to a dead-end job. The same goes for the other dilemmas that weigh on parents’ consciences. Watching television, playing sports, eating vegetables, living in the right neighborhood: Your choices have little effect on your kids’ development, so it’s OK to relax. In fact, relaxing is better for the whole family. Riding your kids “for their own good” rarely pays off, and it may hurt how your children feel about you.

Honestly, I think this is good advice in general. In general, in life you want to focus on what makes you happy. I actually think this is a positive example for kids, and I think that people can be happy having kids and doing things with them, and not being ridiculously preoccupied on their kids achievements.

thx givemesomethingtoread